INSPIRATIONAL & FUNNY QUOTES

• Use it up ... Wear it out ... Make it do ... Or do without.

• Here I sit broken-hearted, tried to shit but only farted...Later on I took a chance, tried to fart and shit my pants!

• The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten

• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way

• Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition

• The best vitamin for making friends, B-1

• If you don't care where you're going any road will get you there

• A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice

• He who throws mud loses ground

• Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others

• Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it

• A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks

• Ideas won't work unless you do

• The future is purchased by the present

• One thing you can't recycle is wasted time

• Lost time is never found again

• A hard thing about business is minding your own

• Triumph is just "umph" added to "try"

• Caution is not cowardly. Carelessness is not courage

• He who forgives ends the quarrel

• Children need more models than critics

• Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them

• The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a life time

• If the going gets easy you may be going downhill

• Dieters - People that are thick and tired of it

• Jumping to conclusions can be a bad exercise

• The best labor saving device is doing it tomorrow

• A turtle makes progress when it sticks its neck out

• Failure is the path of least persistence

• Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough

• Patience is counting down without blasting off

• God's last name is not "Dammit"

• Some folks won't look up until they are flat on their backs

• If you want your dreams to come true, don't over sleep

• Friend - One who knows all about you and likes you just the same

• Money talks and often just says, "Good Bye"

• Birds have bills too, and they keep on singing

• Forbidden fruit is responsible for many a bad jam

• God's retirement plan is out of this world

• A good example is the best sermon

• The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice

• Well done! is better than Well said!

• Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open

• Live as you wish your kids would

• Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion

• If you can laugh at it then you can live with it

• People don't fail, they give up

• When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope

• Smile, it takes only 13 muscles; A frown takes 64

• Kindness, a language deaf people can hear and blind see

• Heaviest thing to carry - a grudge

• A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor

• A small leak can sink a great ship

• You can't direct the wind but you can adjust your sails

• We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves

• Tact is ability to see others as they wish to be seen

• A bad conscience has a very good memory

• Hug your kids at home - belt them in the car

• One thing you can give and still keep is your word

• A friend walks in when everyone else walks out

• If you must cry over spilled milk then please try to condense it

• Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image

• Make friends before you need them

• It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it

• The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention

• Success is...more attitude than aptitude

• Our favorite attitude should be gratitude

• The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none

• Too many of us speak twice before we think

• Some people develop eye strain looking for trouble

• Everyone has 20/20 hindsight

• The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts

• It is much easier to be critical than to be correct

• Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death

• It is no crime not to be perfect

• If others have sinned you need not mention it

• No man knows less than the man who knows it all

• Patience carries a lot of wait

• One who lacks courage to start has already finished

• A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits

• Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often

• Break a bad habit - drop it

• Don't learn safety rules simply by accident

• By failing to prepare we prepare to fail

• Past failures are guideposts to success

• There is no right way to do a wrong thing

• Read the Bible - it will scare the hell out of you

• An atheist is a person who has no visible means of support

• Money is a good servant but it is a cruel master

• Seek joy in what you give not in what you get

• Procrastination is the thief of time

• Success comes in cans... Failure comes in can'ts

• Anger is one letter short of danger, Greatest remedy for anger is delay

• 2/3 of promotion is motion

• Having a sharp tongue will cut your throat

• Of all the things you wear, your expression is most important

• Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.

• "A day without laughter is a day wasted."

• If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.

• Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.

• I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest.

• "The roots of knowledge are bitter, but its fruit are sweet."

• "Be careful of reading health books; you may die of a misprint."

• "Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual."

• Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

• While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

• We might call ourselves human, but we're still just animals

• It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

• The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge.

• "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others."

• Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

• "Cynics are made, not born."

• "Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wise guy?"

• "It's a funny old world!"

• "Pride only hurts. It never helps."

• The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

• The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.

• Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

• If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.

• Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

• It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations.

• People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

• Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

• We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

• Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which never happen.

• Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

• Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.

• You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel as if you've lost a friend.

• The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.

• A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.

• We must either find a way or make one.

• "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something."

• Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.

• Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

• People are divided into two groups - the righteous and the unrighteous - and the righteous do the dividing.

• If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.

• Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

• Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.

• Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow money to do it.

• I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.

• I don't believe in stereotypes, I prefer to hate people on a more personal basis

• Wink at small faults; remember thou hast great ones.

• It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

• This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

• Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

• It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

• Logic is like the sword: those who appeal to it shall perish by it.

• All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.

• Now we are all sons of bitches.

• We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

• Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

• Knowing ignorance is strength. Ignoring knowledge is sickness."

• Education costs money, but then so does ignorance.

• Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

• Pity is reserved for those who have no fight left in them.

• Our progress as a nation can be no swifter than our progress in education. The human mind is our fundamental resource.

• What's the point in doing something worthwhile if nobody can see you?

• An eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind.

• Whenever you fall, pick something up.

• Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

• Men argue, Nature acts.

• Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.

• It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

• No really great man ever thought himself so.

• The measure of a truly great man is the courtesy with which he treats lesser men.

• It is necessary for us to learn from others' mistakes. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself.

• This thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

• Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze long into the Abyss, the Abyss gazes into you.

• Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

• Everything a human being wants can be divided into four components -- love, adventure, power and fame.

• "Of all the creatures on this planet none is more dangerous than a human being."

• How embarrassing to be human.

• Imagination is more important than knowledge.

• Knowledge is Power.

• He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.

• Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.

• Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I'll show you a failure.

• "Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps."

• "They stand like infantry at dawn waiting to be shipped to the front."

• A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

• If you believe everything you read, better not read.

• The difficulty in life is the choice.

• Hell is truth seen too late.

• Love is the distance between reality and pain.

• "The only thing in life that's guaranteed is failure, to succeed you must be willing to take risks."

• Too little knowledge is a bad thing.

• Life's a whore and I'm broke.

• It's easier to complain than to rule.

• The mission of life: Live; Love; Learn; Leave a Legacy.

• Your god is dead and only the ignorant weep. And if you claim there is a hell, then we shall meet there!

• All easy problems have already been solved.

• Only the good die young... The twisted ones might live for ever!

• A work of art is never finished, only abandoned.

• Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity!

• People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

• The only good is knowledge, the only evil is ignorance.

• Power corrupts.

• Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

• Whenever they burn books, they will also, in the end, burn people.

• A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.

• We have met the enemy and he is us.

• For earth to heal, we must die. No one deserves it more.

• It's better to burn out than to fade away.

• Who watches the Watchmen?

• Quin custodiet custodes ipsos? -- Who will guard the guardians?

• Life is different, for he who has touched death.

• It's not the monuments that teaches us history. It's the ruins.

• Despair is the mother of inventions.

• Time is a great master, unfortunately it kills all its apprentices.

• You should tell the truth, but all truths doesn't need to be told.

• A liar needs a good memory.

• Hell never grows full.

• Even Satan can build a cross.

• If all people were righteous no one would need to be brave.

• A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

• Don't get mad, get even.

• There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

• Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

• Reality is for people who lack imagination.

• Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

• When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."

• When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

• If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

• I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.

• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

• When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.

• Yield to Temptation... it may not pass your way again.

• I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

• A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

• Half of the people in the world are below average.

• There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

• Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work.

• Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

• Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.

• There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.

• Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

• It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.

• It's better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six...

• If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun.

• A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

• A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.

• I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

• The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality

• The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

• Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

• A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

• The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.

• If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ...it would have been much better.

• The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

• We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

• Gentlemen! You can't fight in here; this is the war room!

• Read my lips -- know new taxes.

• Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

• There are no scientific tests for race... blood is blood, and bone is bone. Race is a con game. Don't play.

• What is the market? It is the law of the jungle. And what is civilization? It is the struggle against nature.

• If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

• Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

• "This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

• Politics is like a sock -- stinking and hollow.

• Eat your money and die!

• "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"

• The greatest threats towards future: Indifference, intolerance and ignorance.

• Those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

• It's better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.

• High hopes give you a chance to be disappointed

• "You should always have high hopes. Otherwise you won't be disappointed."

• When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

• The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

• "Mankind must put an end to War, or War will put an end to Mankind."

• "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

• "The world grows older and grows with the ageing yet more evil."

• The early bird gets the worm. Yes this is true, but the early worm gets eaten.

• Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today

• A winner listens, a looser just waits untill it is their turn to talk.

• Every great achievement was once impossible.

• Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

• It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations

• Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse.

• When God closes a door he opens a window... And then pushes you right out.

• Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

• Being all things to all people means that you're nothing to no one.

• Know your enemy, and in one hundred battles you will never be defeated

• What we need is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out.

• There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

• Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

• We are all contributing to the inevitable.

• Don't imitate, innovate!

• People with narrow minds usually have large mouths.

• "Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys"

• In short, the things he did were done because it was easier to do them than not to do them.

• There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

• What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• Indecision is the key to flexibility.

• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

• Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

• The facts although interesting are irrelevant.

• Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

• If you can smile when things go wrong you have someone in mind to blame.

• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

• No matter where you go, there you are.

• If at first you dont succeed, try reading the directions.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• A penny saved is a penny.

• There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

• Madness takes its toll... Please have exact change.

• Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

• Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

• Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

• Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma.

• Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.

• How did a fool and his money get together?

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• To succeed in politics it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

• He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

• A penny saved is ridiculous.

• It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.

• Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

• Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

• Flee at once, all is discovered!

• In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.

• God bless Atheism!

• He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

• A witty saying proves nothing.

• After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

• I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

• I drink to make other people interesting.

• I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

• It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

• If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

• Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.

• Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant.

• "My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".

• Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

• I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

• If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

• I don't have a drinking problem...I drink..I get drunk...I fall down...No problem

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

• Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail.

• I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile.

• If you can not answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.

• To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

• Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

• Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.

• You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

• Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

• Beam me up, Scotty. No intelligent life forms down here.

• I doubt whether nurses are virgins.

• I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

• I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

• To be, or what?

• "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"

• "Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy I would never had lit one."

• An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.

• A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't.

• "Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."

• "Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking"

• Anarchists of the world, unite!

• It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

• Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

• Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

• I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

• In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy.

• "Earth: Mostly Harmless."

• "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

• "Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!".

• "A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't."

• "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

• Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

• A penny saved is ridiculous.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and, furthermore, always carry a small snake."

• "Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon."

• "Cure virginity!"

• "Today is the first day of the rest of your life - celebrate now!"

• "It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"

• "If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction."

• "Be careful -- Your family's future is in your hands."

• "Together we're too many!"

• "You are not thinking. You are merely being logical."

• "All imaginable inventions have already been invented."

• "If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now."

• A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

• Many nice things suck.

• Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

• There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

• In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here!

• If you can't teach them, confuse them!

• In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for practice.  Then he made school boards.

• WARNING! The dates in Calender are closer than they apper.

• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

• I bet Heaven has no smoking.

• Nice guys finish last, I think I wanna be an asshole.

• High school is just a day care for older kids.

• The more you find out about your computer, the more you realize you don't know.

• The thing is, Ive got all the stuff to file for bankruptcy, but I can't afford it.

• Divorce Barbie-comes with all of Ken's stuff.